Will Work for Chocolate

July 15, 2013 at 7:00 am | Posted in Family, Me, Serial Commas | 17 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

OBJECTIVE
Raise three kind, creative, patient, helpful, empathetic children while maintaining my sanity, marriage, and hidden cache of chocolate.

SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS

  • 7+ years of experience growing, birthing, and raising children.
  • Expertise in multi-tasking, resource allocation, conflict management, customer service, program development, scheduling, chauffeuring, and train-track assembly.

SKILLS

  • Successfully completes numerous tasks simultaneously, including talking on the phone, digging a red Matchbox car out of my purse, wiping someone’s nose, and cutting off sandwich crusts (after washing my hands, of course).
  • Arbitrates disputes over who ate whose Cheerios, who squished whose roly poly, who isn’t sharing the paper-towel-tube telescope, and who pulled the dog’s ear first.
  • Teaches manners to otherwise caveman-like children who resist learning to pee in the potty, share their toys, and color on the paper (and only the paper).
  • Utilizes educational resources including television, computers, and video games to prepare children for school.
  • Possesses uncanny knack for knowing location of missing household items including left red rainboot, yellow cupcake eraser, favorite stuffed bunny, froggy sippy cup, and library book due tomorrow.
  • Treats boo-boos from keeto bites and cat scratches to goose eggs and stubbed pinky toes.
  • Manages four laundry baskets, three toilets, 56 markers, 56 marker lids, and one husband.
  • Able to overcome a variety of obstacles, including sleep deprivation, wasp nests, and refusals to eat broccoli or anything green for that matter.

AWARDS & ACCOMPLISHMENTS

  • Clean floors if you don’t look too closely.
  • Record WWF score once of 114 points for the word “zouk,” obtained while children were feeding Play-Doh pizza to the dog.
  • Children who sleep through the night in their own beds. Mostly.
  • Recipient of lifetime supply of rainbow drawings.

EDUCATION

Are you hiring? What skills are on your mothering resume? And would you like to be paid in Cookies & Creme Hershey Kisses, too?

+++

I is for “I’m an innovator in my industry.” See more I’s at Jenny’s.

Jenny Matlock

About these ads

17 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. Fan. Tas. Tic.

  2. I.Love.This. Brilliant!!

  3. This is genius! Love it!

  4. I love this so much!

  5. It is a tough job! Good thing there’s such amazing fringe benefits as giggles and smiles and hugs!

  6. love it! what a cute post. it really made me smile today…

  7. Keep this for resume! I once took a weekend seminar on how to write a resume without saying that I had taught school for four years. (No one wanted to hire teachers for middle management) but they wanted folks with all those skills.

  8. A sweet post! I am happy I came by! HAve a wonderful week!

  9. brilliant thank you

  10. What fun! I love that you have special kisses to hand out!

  11. LOL! raised 3 boys and am now a grandmom and can relate to most of this for sure. You are one funny lady / great post!

  12. This is so much fun to read. Your resume is marvelous. People don’t realize how much a mother does. Thanks for pointing out our multi-talents. Great post.

  13. You’re hired!

    I loved this post. Excellent!

  14. FUN! My resume would NOT include train track builder (because I still have no patience for track building in spite of the fact that my boys own at least a million track pieces), but would include snipping of toe nails on wiggly children with 100% accuracy and 0% bleeding. I would rather be paid in shoes.

  15. I love your resume!

    I could use you to help with Grandlittles during the summer!

    Thanks for such a fun and intriguing link to the letter ‘I’.

    A+

  16. Haha

    Cute as can be.

    😊

  17. You’re awesome – I’d hire you in a second. In all seriousness, I moved away from my technical work into program management because I was certain that if I could manage the family calendar, my calendar and the boys’ calendars, hired help schedules and the like, I could most certainly manage a project. Seems to have worked so far.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com. | The Pool Theme.
Entries and comments feeds.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 262 other followers