Being RightFebruary 28, 2010 at 3:40 pm | Posted in Bun, Giggles, Lollipop | 13 Comments
I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried my left side, my right side. Everything everywhere hurt. Bun kicked me, hard, no matter how I repositioned, no matter how many pillows I added and subtracted. So I wondered; I worried.
Is that right? Is he all right?
Dinnertime at our house sometimes sounds like a scratchy, stuck 45: “Eat five more bites, four more bites, one more bite. A bite of apple. Just take a bite … of something!” I wonder; I worry. Is that right? Will they be all right?
Lollipop is perpetually wary (scared?) of newness. New places, new noises, new friends, new adventures. Sometimes I make her try things. Just go down the slide. Just go with the other kids. Just go. On your own. I wonder; I worry. Is that right? Is she all right?
Giggles hates the doctor’s office. So I hold him down for his shots. Listen to him wail while the nurse sticks the needles in. Hug him tight and nuzzle his neck after it’s over. I wonder; I worry. Is that right? Is he all right?
Sometimes I think about all I’m responsible for teaching them: about love, life, loss, empathy, selflessness, happiness. Sometimes the weight of being “the mother” — the weight of being “their mother” — presses in on me from the inside. Every breath scalds my frozen lungs. My heart is surely too small to hold all the aches. Too small to heal them.
There’s no room: to breathe, to love, to be. I wonder; I worry. How will I mother? And will it be right?
Sometimes the weight isn’t there. Sometimes my heart is open and full. Like when I tuck Lollipop’s blankets back around her at 2 a.m. When I stroke Giggles’ hair and he presses his forehead to mine. When we all have chocolate milk, just because it’s Thursday. And there’s plenty of room. In my heart. For love, for pain, for mistakes, for healing. It feels right.
Then, the weight, the hugeness of being a mother. I’m locked out of my own heart. I don’t know anything. Don’t know everything. So I wonder; I worry. And I hope.
That I’m right. That we’ll be all right.