Contract Negotiations

May 5, 2010 at 4:03 pm | Posted in Giggles, Lollipop, The Pups | 22 Comments
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Dear Family:

We love being part of your lives.

Were it not for you, we would be living in terrible, terrible places like the pound, the garbage dump, and the frat house. We would not know such delicacies as goldfish, catnip, and olives. We would not get to sleep 20 hours a day on fluffy pillows that smell faintly of cedar and cheese.

Also, there is your patience. We are not perfect. We know this.

When Needy Black Lab eats things like the remote control, you are understandably angry. But also concerned for his digestive health.

When Sweet, Sweet Terrier refuses to come out from under the table during a thunderstorm, you gently and patiently scratch her ears, forgiving her old-dog eccentricities.

When Fat Orange Tabby pees in the just-folded laundry basket, you curse. But not too, too much.

For the empathy and kindness you have shown us, we are so very grateful.

But.

We feel it is time to bring up some concerns. Particularly since our new pack member will soon be here. And we will round out the bottom of the family roster. Again.

1. The new kid’s first poopy diaper? It is not necessary to bring that from the hospital so we can feign interest. He is coming. We know it. We’ve made our peace. Leave the poop, and bring home the mystery meat instead.

2. Though you don’t approve, we enjoy eating grass, mulch, discarded lollipop sticks, and the occasional crayon. We would appreciate a grace period during which these habits might be tolerated as we all work to adjust to our growing family.

3. The decibel level at which children throw tantrums and newborns shriek pains our superior yet delicate ears. (You might have noticed this from our desperate sighs and pleading eyes.) Technology has changed a lot since you last brought a child home. Could you please look into a mute button?

4. Probably, you will receive cards, gifts, and hot meals to celebrate the new arrival. Probably, people will deliver these to the front door. Probably, we will want to bark or hiss at them. Please let us. No matter who’s napping. It makes us feel better.

5. We understand you may be arranging playdates for the older children so that their routine continues relatively unchanged. Might we suggest the same for us? There’s that Golden down the street. The Shar-Pei in the cul-de-sac. And the calico twins on the corner. Just a thought.

Thank you for your prompt attention to our concerns. We look forward to resolving these matters amicably and with ample treats. (From you. To us.) In addition, we look forward to the day all the children leave for college, or the circus, and we might once again sleep on the bed and couch.

Also, could you please add peanut butter to the grocery list?

Sincerely,
The Pets

P.S. (from the cat): Dress me up like a princess again and I will puke on your lovey. Don’t test me.

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22 Comments »

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  1. Oh, so cute. This is just like doing a post from a kid;s point of view.

    So clever!! I love it!

  2. This is hysterical and so creative!! I don’t think my brain even worked when I was so pregnant, and here you are being so funny!
    You brought home a poopy diaper?? Wow! My parents and Ex thought I was over the top for making him bring home a baby blanket we’d wrapped the kid in so the cats could smell it. Not that it mattered; the first shriek and they always looked at me like “how COULD you!” and ran like hell.

  3. So cute. I love this. Don’t forget the peanut butter.

  4. This is great – so funny! Especially this line: “We would appreciate a grace period during which these habits might be tolerated as we all work to adjust to our growing family.” I love it when animals get businesslike.

  5. I’m still trying to compute the fact that you’re soon to have three kids and have two dogs and a cat! We had a fish one time that we considered a little too much responsibility! 🙂

    You’d better give into them or they’re going to form a union.

  6. I love this post! My dog knows when I’m pregnant (before a test does) and gives me the eyes — how could you?
    Although she’s lucked out this time. My one year old feeds her everything. A bite for me, a bite for the puppy under the table. Oh, you’d like milk too, okay.
    I hope all goes well without too many ‘accidents.’

  7. Aw, your pets are too too cute! I love that the dogs are wearing hats, and the cat jewelry. We have an affinity for dressing up our pets too. In fact, we dressed our two dogs up in various wigs and hats and took photos of them that served as our table number markers at our wedding. It was classic.

  8. Oh just lovely – great post, love the picture of your cat all dressed up even if the cat was not impressed! Wishing you all the very best – can’t wait to hear news of the new arrival

  9. Your pets are smarter than my whole family put together. And I’m with the cat on the dressed up like a princess thing.

  10. And, this is why we don’t have pets yet. Well, except for those fish.

    That PS from the cat made me snort my coffee.

  11. I’m surprised they don’t want the poopy diaper. That always seemed to be a big draw for our dog. *shudder*

    At least they don’t expect too much! =>

  12. I make a peanut butter sandwich for my daughter a lot of days. The fridge must sound different when I’m opening it to get that out…because my Lab comes over at just those times to hang out and see if she can score.

    Cute post. Awaiting baby!

  13. This is great and probably exactly what they are thinking!

  14. Too funny! You did a great job at getting right into their minds! I love the cat pic and her P.S.! 🙂

  15. LOVE this. Oh, if we only knew what they were REALLY thinking – although I think you did a great job here. I feel for our pets, I really do, and I’ve been spending much less time with them just snuggling on the couch since the baby, and now with blogging – it’s rarer still. I feel so guilty.

    We changed certain rules with them too post baby (no dog in bed – cats are OK). I’m sure it’s hard for them to understand, but they’re still well loved and cared for. That counts for something right?

  16. Big GRIN over this post. Nothing like a different perspective now and then, especially from the other members of the family that we love so much.

  17. #4 never gets any easier. I remember watching Lady and the Tramp as a kid and marveling over the speech Tramp gives about what will happen to Lady after the baby is born. I always thought it was funny and exaggerated. Surly I would never be like the animated adults. And now as a mother and dog owner, I’m pretty sure it had to have been another parent/dog owner who wrote:

    TRAMP: They’re a cute little bundle…OF TROUBLE. Yes they scratch, pinch, pull ears. Ah, but shucks any dog can take that. It’s what they do to your happy home. Move it over, will ya friend? Home wreckers! That’s what they are!

  18. Those look like some WELL loved pets! 🙂

  19. I’m not a big animal person, but I enjoyed this clever post (especially the hint about the poopy diaper…I remember reading that in one of my baby books and thinking, “What? Eew!”).

    With your grace and sense of humor, I have no doubt that you will handle the addition of Bun to your full house with the same reason and wisdom as your pets!

  20. This is one of the best things I’ve read in a while! Love it! =)

  21. Rose PARTICULARLY liked the photos in this post. Now she knows it’s not just our cat who “likes” to wear necklaces.

    Wondering if Bun will come on Mother’s Day…

  22. So funny! And probably so true! Thanks for bringing a huge smile to my face.


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