Must Have Been the EggsApril 25, 2011 at 12:27 am | Posted in Bun, Lollipop | 17 Comments
Tags: Babies, Challenges, Children, Germs, Holidays, Humor, Motherhood, Multitasking, Parenting, Puke
Easter weekend … time to slip on the flip-flops and get knee-deep in crinkly fake grass, discarded Cadbury wrappers, neon plastic eggs, bowls full of Paas dye, hollow chocolate bunnies, and puke. Yes, puke.
What, you just got jelly beans from your Easter Bunny? Then you didn’t learn any of these valuable lessons, did you? Consider this:
1. Vomit, when it comes from the top bunk, has a phenomenal range.
2. The tell-tale cries from upstairs will begin just as you sit down to devour the book you’ve been aching to finish.
3. You will discover that black licorice and string cheese is the grossest combination of thrown-up food ever. Ever. You will be surprised by the color. And the consistency. (Your curiosity is piqued, isn’t it?)
4. You will briefly be pleased with your ability to remember high-school math when you deduce that the amount of laundry generated by a puking spell grows exponentially, not linearly, to the number of hours the spell lasts.
5. The carpet will get puked on when the in-house carpet cleaner is out of the country. A frantic middle-of-the-night text begging him to come home and teach you to use the Little Green Machine will make him laugh but won’t help you. You will do your best and be pleased that only one or two spots are still a little crusty.
6. Wooden train tracks can be put in the washing machine. On the heavy cycle. With bleach.
7. Your daughter will get a stomach bug when she is growing her bangs out. It will be gross.
8. She will want to watch Annie in between all the vomiting and pepper you with questions about Depression-era politics, the history of orphanages, animal welfare laws, and fashion choices for redheads. You will be much too exhausted to answer any of these beyond a mumbled “Maybe we can find a book at the library.”
9. She will hit the puke bowl 8 out of 10 times. You will consider this extremely good luck.
10. You will Lysol everything that could have possibly gotten germs on it. And wash your hands 94 times. And defer food preparation for at least 48 hours. And the baby? Will still get sick.
What did the Easter Bunny bring your family? What’s the grossest puke you’ve ever cleaned up (come on, don’t be shy)? And don’t you want some Twizzlers now?