Under the InfluenceAugust 24, 2011 at 11:09 am | Posted in Family, Me, Transylvania | 34 Comments
Tags: Challenges, Expats, Health Care, Humor, Italy, Language, Life, Social Media, Surgery, Travel
So. Guess where I’ve been?
There’s no real nonchalant way to answer, so I’ll just put it out there. Ready?
I’ve been to Tuscany. Where I crashed my Vespa, broke my leg, had surgery, spent eight days in the hospital, acquired 32 staples and lots of titanium, and only yesterday made it back to Romania. After 10 hours of travel that included taxis, trains, planes, stairs, lots of hobbling, and scarce resources for the gimpy.
But I’m home. I’m with my children again. I’m resting on my own pillows in my own bed. And I’ve longed for those simple amenities all week long.
I’m still sorting through this latest surreal “adventure” and trying to figure out what I want to write about it. I’m sure the words will come. But for now?
I’ll take my regularly scheduled dose of codeine, wimp out and make my husband give me my blood-thinner injection, and leave you with this: a list of Facebook updates I concocted lying in a Florence hospital room hopped up on morphine.
And since the drugs were prescribed? I can’t be held responsible for what I came up with:
If you haven’t had your pants cut off by a hot Italian paramedic, you really ought to try it.
I’m trapped in a room with four other women, and none of us can pee on our own. It’s like a really, really bad slumber party.
No, I would not like the high-fiber meal, thank you very much. I know what you’re up to, and neither of us is going to like it.
I wonder if there will be prizes for highest bedpan volume and most accurate aim.
Come on, Italy. You make the world’s best pasta and this is what you come up with for your infirm?
Helpful tip from the Americana in the room: Yelling at me doesn’t make me understand your Italian any better.
Is that my knee down there or a pot roast?
The patient next to me and I have something in common: no tan lines. The only difference? She sunbathes.
Morphine: It’s gelato in an IV.
Have you ever spent time in a foreign hospital? Ever tried to distract yourself from pain with mental games like these? Ever had gelato … or morphine?