Will Work for ChocolateJuly 15, 2013 at 7:00 am | Posted in Family, Me, Serial Commas | 17 Comments
Tags: Career, Children, Creativity, Family, Humor, Motherhood, Multitasking, Resume, Siblings
SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS
- 7+ years of experience growing, birthing, and raising children.
- Expertise in multi-tasking, resource allocation, conflict management, customer service, program development, scheduling, chauffeuring, and train-track assembly.
- Successfully completes numerous tasks simultaneously, including talking on the phone, digging a red Matchbox car out of my purse, wiping someone’s nose, and cutting off sandwich crusts (after washing my hands, of course).
- Arbitrates disputes over who ate whose Cheerios, who squished whose roly poly, who isn’t sharing the paper-towel-tube telescope, and who pulled the dog’s ear first.
- Teaches manners to otherwise caveman-like children who resist learning to pee in the potty, share their toys, and color on the paper (and only the paper).
- Utilizes educational resources including television, computers, and video games to prepare children for school.
- Possesses uncanny knack for knowing location of missing household items including left red rainboot, yellow cupcake eraser, favorite stuffed bunny, froggy sippy cup, and library book due tomorrow.
- Treats boo-boos from keeto bites and cat scratches to goose eggs and stubbed pinky toes.
- Manages four laundry baskets, three toilets, 56 markers, 56 marker lids, and one husband.
- Able to overcome a variety of obstacles, including sleep deprivation, wasp nests, and refusals to eat broccoli or anything green for that matter.
AWARDS & ACCOMPLISHMENTS
- Clean floors if you don’t look too closely.
- Record WWF score once of 114 points for the word “zouk,” obtained while children were feeding Play-Doh pizza to the dog.
- Children who sleep through the night in their own beds. Mostly.
- Recipient of lifetime supply of rainbow drawings.
- Pediatrician’s 24-hour nurse hotline, 2006 to present.
- Google, 2006 to present.
- My Little Pony Online Resource Guide, 2010 to present.
Are you hiring? What skills are on your mothering resume? And would you like to be paid in Cookies & Creme Hershey Kisses, too?
I is for “I’m an innovator in my industry.” See more I’s at Jenny’s.